I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
