Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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