I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
