I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
