I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
