why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
