Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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