U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We are two peas in an std pod
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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