I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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