Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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