I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
