I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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