Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
