if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So squirting runs in the family.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
