I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
