this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it's not cheating when I paid for it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
