Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
