my phone needs a breathalizer
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
