You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
