So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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