half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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