Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
