After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
