Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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