So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
