I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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