The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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