Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
