you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
