Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
