He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
last night I used snow as a chaser
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