the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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