Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
