just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
