Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
