I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
