Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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