Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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