I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
