mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
