The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
