Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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