I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
