There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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