I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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