There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
