just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
