News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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