did you get engaged???
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
