apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We left an ass print on the piano.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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